In a plot twist worthy of a Hollywood heist movie, JLR has managed to update the security on over 160,000 of its vehicles. Who knew car manufacturers could move this fast without four wheels and an engine?
The Saga Begins: A Tale of Woe and Sky-High Insurance
Cast your mind back to last November, when JLR announced its grand plan to update the security of its older models. And by "older," we mean anything from 2018 onwards - because apparently, in the world of car tech, five years is practically ancient history.
This heroic endeavor wasn't born out of the goodness of JLR's heart, mind you. Oh no, it was more a case of "update or die," as insurance companies decided that covering JLR models was about as appealing as insuring a chocolate teapot. We're talking premiums that could buy you a small island, all because these posh motors were apparently as easy to nick as a packet of crisps from an unmanned newsagent.
The Great London Car Heist
The insurance industry, in its infinite wisdom, had decided that JLR's models were more susceptible to 'Relay' theft than a piggy bank at a pickpockets' convention. This was particularly true in urban areas, and especially in London - because apparently, car thieves in the capital are a cut above the rest. Must be all that fresh city air and overpriced coffee.
Oddly enough, this blanket "No JLR" policy from insurers even extended to the latest Range Rover and Range Rover Sport models. You know, the ones with security systems so advanced they probably require a DNA sample and your firstborn child to start the engine. But hey, why let facts get in the way of a good panic?
JLR's Mission Impossible: Operation Update
Faced with the prospect of their cars becoming as desirable as a chocolate fireguard, JLR sprang into action. And by "sprang," I mean they've been working their socks off since last year, retrofitting new security to models from 2018 onwards.
The results? A whopping 160,000 cars updated so far. That's right, folks - JLR has managed to update more cars than some manufacturers sell in a year. They've even ramped up their efforts, now handling over 7,000 updates a week. At this rate, they'll have updated every JLR vehicle on the planet by 2025, including that rusty old Defender your neighbor uses as a chicken coop.
The Big Cheese Speaks
Patrick McGillycuddy, JLR MD (which I can only assume stands for "Master of Defence" in this context), had this to say:
"I am personally committed to providing the highest levels of protection as possible, to as many clients as we can; our team has grown to match the scale of this task and we are actively seeking clients who may have missed our correspondence or purchased from outside our network. We urge owners of models from 2018 and later to contact their preferred retailer for a security consultation as soon as possible, to understand their specific options, at their earliest opportunity."
Translation: "Please, for the love of all that is holy, let us update your car before the insurance companies drive us into bankruptcy."
The Future is Secure (ish)
Not content with merely securing the present, JLR is also looking to the past and the future. They're developing updates for vehicles as far back as 2016 - because apparently, eight-year-old luxury cars are now considered vintage and in need of protection.
They're also working on insurance support for new Range Rover and Range Rover Sport models. One can only imagine what this "support" might entail. Perhaps a complimentary bodyguard with every purchase? Or maybe a forcefield generator in the boot?
The Great JLR Security Update: By the Numbers
- 160,000: Number of cars updated so far
- 7,000: Updates performed per week
- 2018: Earliest model year currently eligible for updates
- 2016: Earliest model year planned for future updates
- 1: Number of Patrick McGillycuddys personally committed to this cause
- Countless: Number of insurance company executives scratching their heads in confusion
In Conclusion: A Secure Future for JLR?
So there you have it, folks. JLR's great security update caper is well underway, with more cars being fortified against ne'er-do-wells every day. It's a heartwarming tale of a car manufacturer actually doing something about a problem, rather than just issuing a recall and hoping for the best.
Will this be enough to satisfy the insurance industry's insatiable appetite for low-risk vehicles? Only time will tell. But one thing's for sure - if you own a JLR vehicle from 2018 onwards and haven't had it updated yet, you might want to get on that. Unless, of course, you enjoy paying insurance premiums that rival the GDP of a small nation.
In the meantime, we can all sleep soundly knowing that the streets of London are now marginally safer from relay theft. Although, given the state of London traffic, any would-be car thieves would probably make a faster getaway on foot anyway.